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I caved. But not today. I'll be bringing in the new year by myself. 2017 is going to be about strengthening myself.

damn it. bangs head on desk. damn it damn it damn it

I love you cinnamon :). I haven't given in. I didn't respond to his text. Just deleted it and went about my day. I'm strong. I can do this. Thanks for all your help.

I want to say I'm done, over it , fuck it. I want to say it and mean it. I told myself I am giving him up,that I am not even going to text him. I can't start 2017 being a naive pawn. So far I have been awake and have done everything in my power not to think of him. It's hard to do when everything I need to focus on is still closed for the holidays. I tried to write but somehow my true feelings have seeped in, almost ruining my horror story I am working on. I know it's for the best. I can do this I mean I have survived everything else. What's one more little heart ache? I can do this.

2017. My the years are flying. I never thought I would make it past18 to tell the truth. At that point I was a walking mass of self destruction. I've decided not to make any resolutions, I never follow them through anyway. I'm just going to live day by day.

Lol match.com couldn't find my match. I give up on online dating sites.

I broke things off with Mr heartbreak. I've never felt so bad for ending something with someone who never took the time to see me. I woke up with a massive headache and a giant hole where my heart used to be. He was the only guy I wanted to be with more than anything. Sure I have had crushes in the past but none of them made me feel like he did. I am trying not to cry and tell myself I deserve a man who show up but I feel like this break up is going to be my hardest yet. I don't want to do this. I don't want to start 2017 heart broken.

Still had a great Christmas :)

So it was a Christmas heartache. Mr heartbreak never showed. I don't get it but time to move on. He doesn't deserve my time.

So sometime today I am supposed to have a date with Mr. Heartbreak. I'm excited. If he doesn't show then I don't bring him in my life for 2017. I know I shouldn't give him any chances. I can't help how I feel about him. He called me at 6 am just to tell me his phone sucked and he wanted to see me. Talk about my heart beating right out of my chest. I know I run the risk of a Christmas heart break. But I'm looking forward to it. Oddly enough.

So Christmas is coming and dare I say it? I'm excited.

So ready to not be sick anymore

I decided I couldn't leave my coven. That's my home. I don't want any problems and I have worked really hard at getting into my coven. So whatever.



I am still hung up on Mr s. I don't know why it's so hard to say goodbye. I know I should. Usually I am fiercely strong but he makes me weak. I'm ready for the holidays to be over with.

What the Fuck? I won't tolerate someone being rude to me. I sent out a message to someone i thought were my friend and gave them my phone number. Because that is what friends do. Its not like I was going to have phone sex with him. I'm not that type of girl. I've been going through so much I wanted friends around me. Then his fiancé sent me a rude message saying leave him alone. Ok when did we stop being friends? When is it a crime to talk to whomever i damn well please? Fuck them. Because of it I'm leaving my coven because who knows west else I want do?



Such bullshit.

Well 2016was a flop. It was a really bad year for me. I lost jobs houses vehicles love chances of love and myself. I lost friends and family. My divorce will be final I. 2017 thank God. I hurt myself again. I re-messed up my old injury. I called Mr. S which is Mr heart break hoping he would come and visit me. Once again I waited around for nothing. I don't get it I really liked him and my heart raced like it did with ex. I thought for sure with either of those men I would be with them forever and forever loved. It's another mystery I will never figure out. I am going into 2017 single alone and giving up

I want a man. This last date was a disaster. Should I just give up?

I went out on another date saying forget all for the other guys. The date was OK definitely not the best. There was no real connection. A gigantic waste of time.

Problem solved. Turns out the guy I was seeing Mr. S is a prick. After a comment he made tonight I was able to walk away completely.

What an absolute clusterfuck. OK so I've been seeing a man for about a month now. But does it count if he never shows? I have fallen quite hard for him because he makes my heart race and we have this amazing connection. We can feel each other physical pain have the same songs stuck in our heads everything. I have never felt such a deep connection. For the most part we talk all the time but when it comes time to meet he always has an excuse to stand me up. He refuses to give me his address so I can come see him and won't add me to Fb because he said he got hacked. Here's my problem with that. He has had four different numbers in the last month and supposedly his ex texted me from a number that I had been communicating with saying she took back his phone. He said she hacked his phone. Hmm so anyways he gets three new numbers. All this time he has had one friend on Fb a woman who we will call miss a. That is up til a few days ago. Suddenly miss a turned into miss r who claims she is in a relationship with him. When confronted he said he couldn't access his page and had no idea what I was talking about. Skeptical I still followed through with our date plan. He wS working so the place closed and we agreed to meet at my place. Another couple hours clicks by I try calling he said he was driving. He supposedly moved here to be with me so literally it takes ten minutes to get to my house noatter where you are at in my town. Finally he said he was on my street. Which I never saw. He never came to the door and knocked. Pissed I went to bed. I got up the next morning asking him what the hell was his problem seeing me because I have been stood up 9 times. He said he didn't want to bother my roommates at that hour.



So we make up and he promises to quit it. I got fired last night and he literally said four words to me for the rest of the night, normally we chat 80℅ of the night away. I'm supposed to have a date with him tonight but I just don't feel like it is going to happen. I feel like I am being played even though I have passed him on the street a couple times now so I know he has been here.



So last night freaking out about my job i get a message from Mr. J. Who I went out with had an amazing night talked for a week but then he stood me up on our next date. So we talked until he fell asleep. And I was able to solve the mystery as to why.



Here's my dilemma. I really like the guy I have been with. I can't get over how he makes my heart race. He says he wants to be with me but there are too many inconsistencies,excuses, and shady activity. On the other hand I really like Mr j. He is funny and sweet and I know he won't stand me up again. But I feel guilty. I gave the gut I have been seeing an ultimatum yesterday and said it was his last shot with me. And now I have Mr j saying he would come down if I get stood up again.

I really the feeling I won't hear a word from the guy I have been seeing today.



What do I do? I can't stop stressing.



On top of everything I am constantly calling the cops over sob #2. He will not leave me alone and has started to make some pretty hefty threats on me. The cops have done nothing. It's so aggravating.

I'm laying down the law. It will only be a matter of time before he takes off running like everyone else has. I'm sick of the lies and games.